ln Which We Tell People

Tammy and I had decided after our 6.5 week ultrasound we would tell family and close friends. While half of me remains scared that telling people will jinx everything, the other half longs for normalcy in this decidedly un-normal process. So we told people.

A bit of background here: my family is incredibly supportive of me and Tammy, and gay rights in general. I have three family members (that I know of) that are LGBTQ, etc. etc. 1)I have a gay cousin, (on my dad’s side) who’s been out since he was born basically. 2)Supposedly I had a great-aunt (sister to my dad’s father) who one day announced she would no longer be known as “Margaret”, but “John”. And the family, oddly enough for that time and place, just kind of went with it. I guess when you’re isolated in a tiny holler in the West Virginia mountains, you deal with the family you get without too much fuss. And 3)my mom’s sister told her that growing up she strongly identified as a boy, rather than a girl. And that she’s bisexual. So basically, my family is responsible for more than our share of gayin’ the place up. YOU’RE WELCOME, FUNDIES.

However, on Tammy’s side…Tammy grew up in an extremely conservatively Christian household. Think Jesus Camp. She is the youngest of five siblings, and when her parents divorced and dad remarried, she got three step siblings in the deal. Interestingly enough, only one of her siblings still maintains that “lifestyle” (oh yes I DID call it a lifestyle) but they all possess, to a certain degree, holdovers from their upbringing that affect their relationship with and reaction to us (and all that comes with us). Shockingly, all but one sister, one step-sister, and one step-brother came to our wedding (the sister that maintains the “lifestyle” and two step siblings that aren’t that close and/or couldn’t afford to travel up here for the wedding). Even her dad and step-mom came, though they sat in the back and her dad promised to be “miserable” the whole time. Thanks for coming, asshole!

ANYWAY, (God, could I stretch this intro out any longer?) we were a little apprehensive about the reactions we would get from Tammy’s family. But, for the most part, we were pleasantly surprised. Tammy’s dad had clearly been coached, and did his best “gee golly shucks, that’s just wonderful! Jesus loves ya, kids!” which is basically how the baby Jesus has told him to respond to everything (baby Jesus doesn’t like anything unpleasant, don’t you know). Tammy texted one brother (wife to the pregnant “V”, who I haven’t spoken to since she stomach bumped me at the wedding in April). He texted back: “congrats,” and that was it. She called the other brother on Father’s day, which may be why he responded, “well, congratulations, I guess, dad”.  Cue eye roll. Tammy’s mom and sister number 1 were both told while we were undergoing IVF, so they were told of the resulting pregnancy earlier, to mostly positive results.

The only really negative response we got was from the sister in the “lifestyle”* Her two kids had just gotten back from summer camp (not unlike the camp in Jesus Camp, I imagine), and she was in a good mood. Tammy broke the news to her by modeling the reaction we were looking for (“[sister], we have some great news. We’re really really excited to let you know that Sarah’s pregnant. You’re going to have a new little niece or nephew in the January!”). Lifestyle sister was silent for a good 90 second count, before bursting out with “well how did that happen?!” If I was quicker on my feet, I would have told her it was a miraculous conception, but I do try to keep my asshole tendencies in check. Somewhat. Tammy muttered something about IVF (for which she received a whack, because we’re so not going there with this sister) and I tried to drown her out by talking about a donor. Honestly, I’ve never heard Lifestyle Sister so shocked and unsure of herself. She got off the phone quickly, after telling us she would be praying for us. But to do what, I’m not quite sure. I suspect she isn’t either. Tammy said her reaction is typical, because for her, gay people simply do not have kids. Children are something the Lord gives to straight people.

JL OK

This sister not only didn’t attend our wedding, but likes to pretend it didn’t happen entirely. We were told not to send her an invitation or any pictures. And now that it’s a done deal, she will literally get up and walk out of the room, often taking her children with her, if our wedding is brought up, even in passing.

Here’s the thing: I can handle her being a bitch (but a bitch in a Christian, Lordy way, obviously) to me, and to Tammy. It sucks that she is the way she is, but we’re big girls. We can take care of ourselves – and I have no problem giving her a piece of my mind if the situation warrants. But a baby? No. A baby is innocent. She can ignore the fact of our marriage if that’s what gets her rocks off, but she cannot, let me repeat that, cannot, ignore our child. Our child is going to be a member of her family, like it or not. The second she makes my child feel any less than is the second we have a serious, serious problem. I don’t even really know what I would do in that situation, but given her reaction, and her behavior surrounding our wedding, I feel like I should be prepared.

Since I can’t think of a way to finish this blog post and I have to get back to work, I leave you with this picture of the pirate, taken at 8 weeks gestation. I don’t have another ultrasound until June 12th, with a regular OB. Sob.

8 weeks
*I’m getting way too much of a kick out of calling it her lifestyle. Seriously, I’m five. And petty.

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Insurance Can Kiss My Ass

I have no insurance coverage for infertility, other than an initial diagnostic appointment (that doesn’t include any, you know, diagnostic tests like blood work, HSG, ultrasound, etc., because that would be too fucking logical). Everything else was 100% out-of-pocket. I am so envious of those of you who a) live in states where there is mandatory coverage and b) can utilize those benefits. We used to live in a state where there was coverage, but HAHA SUCKERS it didn’t apply to us. It only applied to those individuals who used their husbands sperm. i.e. no lesbians or single women or hetero couples with severe MFI who decided to use a donor. Because obviously, those of us in the previously mentioned categories do not deserve to have children. Obviously.

ANYWAY, moving on swiftly. I had an experience today that reinforced my need for an insurance vendetta.

As I stated above, I have no insurance coverage for infertility; no monitoring, blood work, ultrasounds, procedures themselves (IUI or IVF) and definitely no prescription drug coverage. HOWEVER, once I got pregnant (ultrasound tomorrow to confirm that I am, in fact, actually still pregnant and not newly awakened from a month-long delusion/psychotic break) certain medications that I took for infertility (estrogen, progesterone) are now covered due to my pregnancy “status”. When I called to order more drugs after my BFP, I told the pharmacists my new “status” and asked joyfully what the co-pay was. The pharmacist responded that they needed to have my doctor’s office call my insurance company to confirm that I was, in fact, pregnant. This was a month and 3 refills ago. Each time the pharmacist tells me they’re going to call over to my doctor’s office and ask THEM to call my insurance company. Of course, they don’t fucking do that. Today I got a little royally pissed off vexed in a MOST ladylike way, and told them what was up.

30 minutes later, I got a call from someone at the pharmacy asking if I was pregnant. OMFG. I only told you all that a fucking MONTH ago. She promised that she would call over to my doctor’s office to have them confirm the dates of my pregnancy, so they could retroactively reimburse me for money paid out-of-pocket for the last 3 refills. An hour later I found out that my doctor’s office would only confirm my pregnancy as of May 29th, and I had called for a refill on May 28th. So that $400 haul of drugs won’t be covered.

Reading over what I wrote, maybe I should be more irritated at the pharmacy and my doctor’s office, instead of the insurance company. And yes, the pharmacy definitely dropped the ball on this one. And I’m going to have a little chat with my doctor’s office tomorrow to see WHY they claim me pregnant on May 29th when I had my positive beta on the 24th. But you know what? All of this mess would have been avoided if I had coverage in the first damn place. God.

**UPDATE: I just got my meds delivered to my office building (damn right they deliver) and the workers in the mail room made many HILARIOUS jokes about my “drugs”. HA.HA. Hilarious. Lets talk a little louder about my DRUGS when the CEO is just down the hall! Fabulous idea.

Ick

***Warning: pregnancy whining***

When I was at the doctor earlier this week, I mentioned that I had started throwing up. They gave me a new prenatal vitamin to take, that has extra B-6 and ginger. I started it that night, and the next day I felt pretty good. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt the nausea “verge” as Emily puts it. But I was OK; I even managed to eat some actual food.

That brings us to today. First of all, it should be noted that various doors throughout the office building are locked, so you use this little electronic key to get in. The most direct route between my desk and the bathroom requires a key fob to get through.

You know where this is going, right? I totally left my key fob at home today. Aaaaand cue vomiting. I’ve now run to the bathroom two times, pants undone (because they’re too tight and make me feel even more sick) and once I very nearly didn’t make it. Next time I’m taking my trash can with me as I go. Do you think that would be too obvious?

My first reaction was the curse myself, for forgetting the damn key fob. My next reaction was to curse this damn open office plan (I work in a godforsaken cubicle). If I had an office, I could puke behind closed doors. Although then, I’d have to deal with the barfy trash can, so that’s not really a good solution.

Whatever. Too sick to deal with it. I’m now nibbling Cheerios, one cheerio at a time, because I know having nothing in my stomach makes my nausea worse.

Anyone have suggestions for nausea? We’re going to get preggie pops this weekend, and when I’m at home, homemade cran-grape popsicles help considerably. Cannot eat those at work, obviously. Thoughts? Suggestions? Commiseration? Distraction? Jesselyn, you’re my resident expert – what say you?

Flicker

Today we got to see the baby for the first time. We got to see it wiggling around, and we got to see the sweetest flashes of light. Flicker flicker flicker.

1st baby scan

Because ultrasounds always look like a sea of static to me, the sickle/fish/bean looking squiggle on the left is the (gulp) future baby. The cheerio looking thing on the right is the yolk sac, which provides nutrients to the (gulp) future baby until the placenta takes over.

Having seen the heartbeat at 6 weeks, 5 days, the doctor told me my chance of miscarriage is now 5%. I can live with 5% much better than the odds I was previously living with.

We get one more scan in 10 days with my beloved RE. Then we’re cut loose into the wilds of OB land, with all those pregnant women, blithely confident in their body, and sure that in 6 or 7 months time they’ll meet their (gulp) baby.

I’m so…I don’t know what. I feel a lot more confident now that we’ve seen that there’s a something in there, and that something has a heartbeat. I’ve been getting progressively sicker, and threw up for the first time yesterday, so that also encourages my faith that this might…actually…work out.

And yet there’s this other part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve spent over a year preparing myself for bad news over and over and over, and changing my mindset to not always assume the worst is still very much a work in progress.

Overall I’m overjoyed that we’ve made it this far. I’m cautiously optimistic that A Good Thing might come out of this, and I’ve devoted significant energy to sending out thoughts/prayers/vibes to the universe at large, saying nothing more than “please” and “thank you”.

I hope all of you get your “thank you” soon.