It’s Aliiiiive

I just got a call with my second beta (that was done 4 days after my first beta, due to the long weekend).

First beta (at 10dp5dt): 372
Second beta (at 14dp5dt): 2032

That’s a doubling time of 39.19 hours.

The nurse that called me said this was “good.” My next appointment won’t be until I’m between 6 and 7 weeks pregnant (if I make it that far*) to see a heartbeat.

No more betas!?! No more appointments for over a week?! I feel adrift. Can I come in for blood draws for fun? What about visiting my old pal, Monsieur DildoCam? Or could I come in to breathe the heady, intoxicating scent of sadness and fear that permeates the waiting room? I’m still generating plenty of that pungent elixir to contribute. What if your stores are depleted without me around??

Another hurdle has been cleared. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m farther (further?) than I’ve ever gotten before. But poor Tammy had to talk me back from the ledge over and over this weekend, repeatedly fielding my teary questions of “what if it’s dead?” “what if it doesn’t double?” “what if I’m a fucking lunatic for hoping this would ever work?” (that last one was only in my head)

But so far**, my fears have been for naught. I am assured by What to Expect When You’re Trying to Freak Yourself the Fuck Out that our baby is the size of an orange seed right now. The heart is beginning to function at a rudimentary level, although it will be a few weeks until we can see it on an ultrasound if we get that far.***

Tammy and I also engaged in extremely risky behaviour this weekend: we looked at baby stuff while we were at Target, and talked about a possible/future/maybe nursery.

And THEN I held my friend’s baby for hours on Sunday, wiping her little teeny baby butt, kissing her baby toes, rocking her to sleep, and drinking in the perfect sweet/sour baby smell of her head.

Is it possible that I actually, maybe, possibly might end up with a baby of my own? Boggles the mind.

*I have GOT to stop doing that. Industrial strength asshole = me.
**That was the last one. Promise.
***Ugh. I’m the worst.

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7 thoughts on “It’s Aliiiiive

  1. We are sooo on the same page. Sometimes Im blown away by the bloggers who sound nothing but excited and hopeful at this early stage. I am freaked. Totally and utterly freaked that the baby will just stop growing, that the next ultrasound will show no heartbeat and growth that ended weeks earlier. It’s so scary and I am having a hard time letting myself believe that this story will really end with a healthy baby in my arms. Like you, every time I talk about the future, whether that’s next week, or next year, I always begin my sentence with, “if we make it that far…” Ugh.

    Im almost 7 weeks and heard my baby’s heartbeat on Saturday for the first time. Although it was exciting, it just made me all the more scared that that boom boom, boom boom won’t be there next time…

    Anyways, with all that said, we should both try to feel hopeful and excited (if not for our sake, then for our partner’s!). Congratulations on your beta number and I wish you all the best in the coming weeks/months. If you think you’re going crazy, feel free to reach out to me! 🙂

  2. Normal behavior as I feel the same exact way. Gotta love the forever stressing about every little thing before and during and I wouldn’t doubt it to continue after!

    And since you questioned it…it’s “further” lol – farther is used for physical distance while further is metaphorical distance.

  3. Wonderful news about the beta. I don’t blame you for all the worrying, but I’m SO happy you were able to forget for a minute or two and look at baby things 🙂

  4. Those numbers are awesome! I totally understand the “if we make it that far” mentality, you’re not alone! Try to relax (hahaha, right?!) and enjoy each new milestone. Before you know it that little orange seed will be a bell pepper (that’s me! I never made it past a poppy seed before!) and then a pumpkin!

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